Atypical Discussion over Pie
by AspiringArmstrong
Summary: Zell and his assistent talk about what he would do when he encounters various densines of the horror movie kind!


The smell of fresh apple filled Zell's nostrils as his fingers danced across the keyboard of his black, unmarked laptop. He was sitting in his always reserved booth at Dellah's Diner updating some entries on his website,  .com. A few of his forum followers were in a heated debate over one of the obscure texts he uploaded in his online library. He added a few thoughts to quell the argument , but that only seemed to aggravate it.

Zell looked up as a plate was set in front of him. He almost had a finger full of blueberry as he was about to strike the letter "G". Slightly confused, he looked up to meet a pair of deep brown eyes that he could lose himself in. Dellah gave him a wink, ran her fingers through his hair, and bounced away. A smile, and a touch can destroy any train of thought he had with that woman, and she knew it. Resigned to his fate, he took a fork and stabbed it into the warm fresh blueberry pie topped with freshly made whipped cream..

"Heya, Sweetie!" Dellah chirped as a bell rang, announcing to the always crowded diner of a new arrival. Glancing over his open monitor, Zell saw a shock of purple and black hair making it's way towards him. Zell moved his plate off the keyboard and pretended he was working on something.

"Mother crap!" said a rather high pitched voice behind his monitor. The whole table shook as the invader of his personal space threw an oversized book bag (almost as big as she was) into the seat across from him. She plopped down and dramatically threw her arms in the air, gave a deep sigh, dropped them on the table, and slammed her head into her forearms repeatedly.

"Rough day?" Zell said, trying to sound as impartial as he could. One thing he knew about his perky assistant Calanyx, was you never want to encourage her drama. The table shook a few more times as she continued banging her head. As with the pie, he knew this was something he could not fight. Calmly, he shut the monitor to his laptop, slid it into his messanger bag, and gave her his full attention.

"So?" he asked. If she wants to tell him about her day, he's not going to drag the answers out of her.

Calanyx's response was muffled as her face was buried in the cloth of her hoodie's sleeves. "No, it's nothing." was muttered.

Zell shrugged, and reached for his messanger bag to retrieve his laptop when Calanyx continued "It's just… class was so annoying today!" Zell paused, set the bag down and set his arms on the table to listen.

"And?" he prompted.

"He was being stupid! I pointed out that his equation was off and it would prove almost thirty-eight dimensions in the standard string theory model instead of the established eleven and prove the universal shape was that of a rhino!"

Zell had a rather blank stare on his face. "So, it should be a turtle instead?"

Calanyx looked up, deep blue almond shaped eyes glared at his reference to Kurmajara, the myth about the world being on the back of a giant cosmic turtle. Calanyx grunted as she grabbed a pad of paper and drew thirty one lines in the rough shape of what was an impressive rhinoceros. "I refuse to believe that!" she shouted and stabbed her pen onto the paper, making an eye for the rino. "Thirty one dimensions. HA!".

"Have you ever heard the story about the teacup in orbit?" Zell asked calmly as he took the pad of paper from her hand and slid her his half of blueberry pie. She begrudgingly took a bite and immediately started to calm down. She shook her head no as she took another bite. Dellah swung by and set another plate of cherry pie in front of Zell and Calanyx and filled their coffee cups.

Dellah piped in, "Isn't that the atheist argument where they use the fact nobody can disprove their claim that there's a teacup orbiting the sun, and when asked how do they know, they reply faith?" Zell took a sip of coffee and nodded his head.

"Yes, exactly. This logic puzzle can be used in many ways, not just with the whole science vs religion debate, but the way you look at the world. Your teacher may have gotten his formula wrong, but you could have taken it as a chance to try and envision the subatomic world through those parameters. I think it'd be interesting to live in a Rhinoverse." Dellah giggled and wandered off to serve someone else.

"But it was wrong!" Calanyx lamented. "It goes against everything I studied!"

"Doesn't half the material I let you read fly in the face of established science every day? We can go on a day trip to visit Illiana and I can show you an inconceivable universe if you want." Calanyx shook her head no.

"Mer momfhing mer momted mo msk moofh" Calanyx said with her mouth full of pie. She stopped, took a drink and re-asked "There's something I wanted to ask you"

"Boxers." Zell said with a straight face. Calanyx choked on her coffee and pounded on her chest as she gagged for air.

"You ass!" she choked out. Zell felt a sharp steel toe dig into his shin as she kicked him under the table. "Something I was thinking about when I was listening to Mr. Rhino this afternoon. Me and Raven were going to have a horror movie marathon, and I wanted to know what you think of the whole genre.

Zell thought for a moment while he finished his bite of pie. Taking a sip of coffee, he smiled. "I love them. I tend to root for the monsters. Stupid teenagers get what they have coming to them if they poke the monsters with a stick. What do they think will happen? How many times could everything be avoided if they just sat down and tried to find out what the monster wanted? if the group of six teens learned he's only going after the girl who survives the movie, they need to just tie her to a chair, and leave. She probably did something anyway to bring whatever curse is luring the monster to her, so if she has to have his monster baby, well… that's what you get for breaking open a locked book that has BIG warnings all over it.

Calanyx burst into laughter and Zell smiled at her jovial attitude. It was much better than her opening disgruntledness.

"Ok, ok. So, we're going to play a game. If you are in a horror movie, how would you handle the monsters. I'll name one, and you tell me your impressions and how you would handle the monster." Zell was intrigued, and nodded yes.

"Nightmare on Elm Street." Calanyx said, she seemed to be examining his face as she spoke.

Zell thought for a moment and shrugged. "I'd be fine, Freddy doesn't come after adults. He is a Nightmare by true definition of the myth. A manifestation of negative energy that is sentient, can enter dreams and terrorize them. He is rather childish, as his only focus is the children of that town. I'm sure he could target and kill the others, but since his serial killer nature targeted the children, he's stuck in that mindset." Zell finished his thought and took a sip of coffee.

"Ok, what happens if you do meet him?" Calanyx asked. Zell grinned.

"I'd love to interview him. Nightmares are rare in this world, Quite powerful creatures. I've never heard of a human being turned into one, but that's not beyond the realm of possibility. Since i'd be safe, if I was lucid dreaming and I came across him, I think he'd be a 'watch the football game with a beer at home' kind of guy. We'd probably watch a few game and talk about random stuff. He seemed like a cool guy, aside from the whole 'murdering teenagers' thing, but who doesn't want to do that when you're at the mall?

"So, you wouldn't dispel him or try to stop him?" Calanyx asked, looking slightly shocked. Zell shook his head no.

"If he was still human, and hurting people like that, sure. it's one thing if a killer learns to astral project and kill his victims like that. Freddy is beyond that. He's a force of nature, he's a part of the world. It would be like trying to stop the ocean from drowning people. It's not going to happen. The residents who learn of the attacks should just move. If you're hit by a hurricane and people die every summer, why build your house on the beach?" Calanyx nodded at the logic.

"Yeah, they do stay in that town. In the latest movies, everyone was in on it and they knew it was happening. Why they didn't move was beyond me." Calanyx was quiet for a moment as she thought of her next movie monster. "Jason Voorhees."

"Hrmm. He's one we'd need to take down. Mother was into voodoo, reanimated her son's dead body and set him loose on a killing spree. He's been shown not to just target teenagers, but kill everyone. Should anyone eat his heart, he can become possessed with the spirit of Jason and be taken control of. He would be a tough nut to crack, that one. As far as single minded movie monsters, he was always my favorite. Just move forward and stab." Zell said as he stabbed his last bite of pie with his fork and ate it.

"So how would we kill him?" Calanyx asked.

"First, you would get him to chase you." Zell grinned.

"Me? Why do I have to be the bait?" Calanyx protested.

"He goes after young nubile women, so we'd slutty you up a bit and let you traipse around the woods." Zell chuckled.

"If anyone's going to be chased by a monster, we'll use Casey!" Calanyx shouted just as a blonde waitress walked by.

"Hey!" She said, stopping as she heard her name. "What kind of crap are you going to drag me into this time!"

"Casey," Calanyx said in a serious and hushed tone. "Zell found out that the hockey mask used in filming Friday the 13th part 3 was stolen. It was enchanted and now a killer is out and in the woods near Lake Oswego. We need you as bait, as he only goes after hot cheerleaders with sprained ankles."

Casey's face drained of all color. "I.. umm.. I… " she started to back away and bumped into someone, dropping her empty tray. Calanyx burst into laughter. Zell chuckled at Calanyx's joke.

"That's not funny!" Casey looked furious as she gathered up her tray and order notepad. 'Scared the crap out of me!"

"Casey," Zell cooed at Casey, "She was only kidding. Calanyx here is asking me about horror movies and having me analyze the monster and how we defeat them, if it's something I'd even attempt to stop."

"So?" Calanyx asked. Zell looked at her with a blank look on his face. "Jason!"

"Oh, I'd lure him to a fairy circle, or some portal to remove him from this world. Dump him into some fire dimension or something. It would be hysterical to drop him on the same plane of existence George came from .

George was a companion of Zell's who lives in his home. A tiny child-like creature covered in scales with green skin, claws, teeth and nails. He was a rather naive daemos who lacks any memory of his previous existence. He's tried to put him back a few times, but the results were less than satisfactory.

"Michael Meyers always scared me." Casey said. "The whole Halloween mask with the butcher knife?"

"Michael Meyers," Zell said "That's a monster that can really come about in our world. Lets break him down. He's a psychopath. The man killed his sister and was in an asylum for years. A person can build up so much personal power through his rage and hate, that he can use it for increased strength and stamina, even healing. The man took a knife to the eye and three bullets to his chest in the first movie and still escaped." Zell looked between Calanyx and Casey who both seemed rather quiet at Zell's revelation.

"If you look up some of these serial killers and how hard it was to take them down, you'll see Michael fits the bill. He's smart, resourceful, no one knows what he looks like because of the mask. If he takes off his mask and jumpsuit he can blend in anywhere and no one will be the wiser. When he's in 'kill mode' he's brilliant. the persona he puts out when in view of his victims is that of a man with a one track mind. That's put into play in order to lure them into a false sense of security and he uses that to corral them where he wants. He's the perfect predator, he doesn't need super strength and healing, that's just a bonus." Zell looked over at Casey and her shudder at the thought.

"I'm going to go refill your coffee." She said as she excused herself. Calanyx scribbled on her notepad, drawing flowers in her rhino universe.

"What movie monster do you like the most?" Calanyx asked.

"The Engineer." Zell replied. Calanyx looked confused. "You know him as Pinhead." Zell chuckled as she scrunched her nose.

"Those are gross movies. Terrible, horrible movies. The acting is horrendous!" she said. Zell shook his head.

"Only after the fifth movie and later did it start to lose its edge. And well, the third could have done better. Read the Clive Barker short story. 'The Hellbound Heart', there is a world of difference between them." Zell chuckled as Calanyx started drawing the Lament box on the notepad.

"Would you open the box?" She asked. Zell chuckled.

"You know better, I wouldn't do that. It would go in my vault and I'd keep it safe. I would love to learn about the Cenobites. The thing people miss is they are a religious order. They are preaching to the openers of the box. They promise paradise to those who give themselves to them. The box openers understand this, and agree to the torment they receive.

"Something, somewhere a long time ago created this order, devised these rules, and allowed mankind to join the Cenobite ranks. From our point of view, the 'body modifications' may look painful, but if you're in a heightened sense of awareness, it may have a different effect on you. I've seen people perform by hooking their backflesh to wires and hang from it.

"I get the impression from The Engineer - nowhere in the film is he ever called pinhead - that he's a very old and sad soul. In the movie, he seemed already fed up with humanity when he was Eliot, the World War 1 officer, before he opened the box. He is just punching a 9-5 job and has no real satisfaction doing the things he does. If he really wanted to, he could have captured Kristie any time, but he's in love with her, and lets her go over and over. He does give his fellow Cenobites a good show, so he doesn't get in trouble with his boss."

"You're right," Calanyx said, "If he can have those chains come out from anywhere, there is no way she could have escaped half of the times she did." Calanyx doodled some more as Zell took a sip of coffee

"Saw?" She asked, Zell shook his head no.

"Human crazy person. Not my bag of tea." Zell replied

"Hrm…" Calanyx thought.

"Balls." Zell said. "Flying ball, right into your face."

Calanyx gave Zell a rather disturbed look. He was grinning ear to ear.

"Phantasm!" Zell exclaimed. Calanyx was unsure of what he was saying. "The movies! the Tall Man, flying silver balls that drill right into your brain with the spikes and the deformed munchkins! That… is my favorite movie series. I'm excited to see the fifth movie will be coming out, I couldn't believe that they were going to make it. Angus Scrimm is like 89 years old!. What other franchise has kept the exact same cast for over thirty years, except for Phantasm 2, and has even edited the movies to take into account the increased age of the characters?

"I've not seen that one." Calanyx admitted.

"Ok, I'll loan you the DVD's for your marathon. The Tall Man is great. No one knows who he really is. All we know is he used to be a southern inventor. He found a portal to another world, and came back.. changed. Now his army of dwarves dig up graves, and teleport them to some desert world using a vibration machine. For some reason, he's picked this child and has chased him his entire life. The music alone send chills up your spine.

"Gremlins?" Calanyx asked. Zell grinned.

"We'd capture and relocate the creatures." Zell answered.

"Christine?" Calanyx asked

"Therapy. It's a type 1 haunted object, not capable of vocalized communication. it's going to need to be stored till it burns itself out or evolves."

"Vampires" Calanyx asked.

"Sparkly ones?" Zell replied with a rather annoyed look. "I don't think I will dignify that with an answer. Don't bring up werewolves either or I'll banish you back to Hot Topic."

Calanyx dramatically cried out "Oh! Don't banish me back to my home realm! I was once lost, and you have taken me away from the darkness of Spencers and Hot Topic and shown me the true path!"

"You do it again, and I'll make you correct a Wolfraven book as punishment." Calanyx shuddered at the thought. Zell's phone buzzed, announcing the top of the hour. Calanyx checked her watch and saw the time.

"Crap I gotta get home. I have a paper due for Mr. Rhino's class." She gathered up her things and was getting ready to leave.

"You want a ride home?" Zell asked, She shook her head no and gave Zell a kiss on the cheek.

"Bye Dellah! Bye slut!" She said to Dellah and Casey. Dellah waved goodbye, Casey threw the rag she was wiping down a table with and smacked Calanyx right in her face. Calanyx grabbed the soapy rag from her face and gagged from the water that entered her mouth.

Casey stormed over to retrieve the rag when Calanyx rolled it up and whip cracked Casey's chest with the newly formed weapon. Casey screamed in pain and caught the rag during the next attack. The two girls began an impromptu tug of war until Dellah came to break them up, shoving Calanyx out the door and giving a rather scary warning look to Casey.

"Go easy on her Dellah, Calanyx did start it." Zell said as he grabbed his gear and headed out the door, giving Casey and Dellah a hug as he left. Zell got into his Dodge Challenger and headed back home. He looked forward to going through his stacks of dusty tomes. Who knows what new secrets will be unlocked tonight?


End file.
